It was so bad, that I had a crush on this one guy in Kindergarten, and I specifically brought 3 pieces of candy to school one day (my favourites), one for me, my best friend, and one for him. I vividly remember seeing him playing in the sand pit inside of the classroom (yeah we were cool like that) and pushing myself to giving him the candy, but I chickened out, and ate it myself. That's pleasant, isn't it?
I think this has helped me go through life, as I had avoided much heartache that was bound to happen. Friends came and left, but I never grew too attached. I kind of have this sixth sense, where I can read a person right off of meeting them, and I either let them into my life, or just kind of nicely get them out. Not in a rude sense, I just don't need posers around when they're not necessary.
Quick example, in the seventh grade, this one girl was new to our class, and she gave me this vibe that she wasn't truly as she presented herself. Everyone wanted to be best friends with her, but I stayed away, just kind of on the sidelines. By the time eighth grade had finished, she had betrayed many people that had been so impressed by her in grade seven, as they were so blinded by her contagious personality, that they couldn't see that ounce of... bad behind it.
Many people in my life are opposite to me in that sense, where they are confident and outgoing, and everyone's best friend. In one instance, someone who is extremely loud and funny and confident and every word you can think of to go with those, let the wrong people into their lives, and when they got betrayed, it ruined them for a really long time. They kind of went into hibernation and it had taken them a long time to return to normal, seeing as their heart had truly broken from the betrayal of a "best friend".
These are the kind of things I avoided, but nothing can really help you get around this feeling of utter abandonment, and it unfortunately happened to me about a year ago.
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| (Not actually the three of us) |
The truth had eventually come out, but it had taken about 5 months, and friendships with the people outside of the group were broken. This one person selfishly did something in hopes to raise her popularity with some girls that were thought to be "cool" at the time, and through what she did, she not only ruined her own friendship with the me and the other girl in our trio, but had turned everyone else against each other because we didn't know who to trust.
I'm sorry if some of this isn't making sense, I'm trying not to reveal too much, and the translation might have gotten a bit lost or foggy as a result.
Anyway, when the truth had come out, the girl had tried so hard to fix the friendship, but I had stepped my foot down. I don't like to get messed with, and I don't like having fake people around me. Some people said I was harsh in doing this, but I'm protecting my own heart. I had forgiven her, but I didn't forget, and to this day, while I'm civil with her, I can't be anything more than mere acquaintances.
It might be a bad thing - the fact that I hold grudges, but I just know that nothing bad has come of grudges, than it has in letting people that want to harm you into your life.
Coming out of this experience, it has really taught me to constantly watch your back, and put yourself on top as a priority. No, I'm not saying that I'm the Queen of this world and everyone should make sure to attend to my every need, I'm saying that we should all make sure to put ourselves and our feelings before others, because the rug that we're standing on can be pulled from beneath us causing us to fall, and the culprit could have or maybe even will have been that someone you cared so much about.
Love is a great thing, and we should all love and care for those who mean something to us, but until we get to that point of knowing 100% a person's intentions, you have to be on the lookout.
Moving past this whole story, I'm going to talk about my transition from a soft to hard exterior, so to say.
Like I said, I was and somewhat still am, shy. I hide it better nowadays, and that's thanks to my four years of doing drama throughout highschool.
That whole topic within itself is another story, but I'll just say that going up in front of people, giving them my all, was an experience that changed me as a person.
I find that it's harder for people to judge you at first glance, if you give off this aura of confidence, as if you don't care what they think. I commend those who just pass off other people's hate with not a second glance, but I unfortunately deeply care about the views of others. I shouldn't, but I am constantly thinking about everything I do, and how it will affect other people's perception about me.
I'm insecure, to say the least, and it's something that's hard to share, especially to a bunch of strangers on the internet, but accepting it and admitting it is a step in overcoming it. I definitely think that the main place of insecurity are my looks, and how media views "beautiful" as almost the opposite of what I see myself as. I don't put myself down, nor would I think of doing anything drastic to change myself, but it's that little voice in the back of my head, that even if one person confirms my own thoughts, I crumble inside. This also goes back to the whole friends situation; I don't want to get my heart broken, so I stray away from letting anyone see me when I'm at my weakest.
I was once discussing my shyness with one of my high school teachers, and she stood there dumbfounded, saying that whenever she sees me in the halls, I have this presence of confidence and fierceness that would never make her think that I was insecure in the slightest. I'm good at covering my feelings, I think only my close relatives and friends can tell when I'm feeling a different emotion than the one I'm portraying, and I'd rather keep it at that.
I guess what I'm trying to say from this post, is that my experiences with betrayal and being shy and trying to act confident has shaped me into this person that I am today, and I'm quite happy with it. I'd like to think that I'm not menacing and quite approachable, so my little bit of true personality shows through, but it's just the bubbly bits that I like. I hope that if any of you have gone through any similar feelings have been able to learn from it, and that you can weed out the people that aren't around you for the true intentions. People in life are always trying to get ahead, and though it may be a bad way to look at life, I'd rather be safe than sorry, so make sure that your own feelings are in check, and to never let anyone get to you so much that they can negatively affect your life.
- aleks xx
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